On a Friday, I Was Reminded About Time Part II

..... And then Tasha said something so casually. “Tun Mahathir became Prime Minister at 56.” That was it.One sentence. And strangely, I smiled. Not because suddenly I wanted to become Prime Minister. But the number stayed with me. 56 huh. He had already lived decades of life and built a long professional and political career before taking office at 56. And somehow, hearing that made me feel... LIBERATED...macam ada batu diangkat dari dada Because suddenly I realised something. Whylah I kena rasa 50 tu macam expiry date? Sapa yang bgtau hang Tasnim that everything I am meant to become has to happen before 50? Apparently...org tu ialah I sendiri. 😂 I created the timeline. I created the deadline. Lepas tu kau stress to meet the deadline. Sendiri cari penyakit..Sungguhlah tu Maybe our 20s and 30s were never supposed to be the finished product.Maybe for some of us, those years were the university of life. And kalau ikut cerita hidup I...I rasa macam ambil degree lepas tu Master lepas tu PHD selama 40 tahun.Quite expensive also, this university. Tuition fee dia bukan duit saja. Dibayar dengan kesalahan demi kesalahan, dibayar dengan heartbreak.dibayar dengan wrong decisions, dibayar dengan trust, dibayar dengan ego. Tapi tu lah education.because when I look at myself today, I don't think the woman I was at 30 could build what I want to build now. She was capable.She was ambitious.She worked hard too But she hadn't learnt enough yet.She hadn't met enough people.She hadn't made enough mistakes.She hadn't lost enough.She hadn't rebuilt enough. And perhaps most importantly, dia sendiri pun belum cukup faham dengan diri dia. So maybe 40 wasn't me arriving late.40 was graduation.And now comes the part where I finally get to use everything I've learnt. That thought changed something in me.Because selama ni, bila orang cakap,“Break your glass ceiling.” I understood the phrase.But I kept thinking...What exactly is my glass ceiling? I always imagined it as something outside of me.An organisation.A position. Money. Opportunity. Someone else's perception of what I could or couldn't become. But today, over a simple Friday breakfast with my sister, I found one.MY TIMELINE One of my glass ceilings was a number I had quietly placed above my own head.50. And because I had decided that I needed to “make it” by then, every decision started carrying unnecessary weight. If I choose Road A... sempat ke? What if Road B satgi lama sangat pula? What if I sekali lagi nak tukar direction tapi tiba2 tak jadi? What if I'm 50 dan masih tak capai? Then what? Without realising it, I wasn't only choosing my path based on where I wanted to go. Dok sibuk mengira sempat ke tak. And that's a dangerous way to dream. Sebab anxious begini yang nanti you start questioning. I don't need to race against an age I invented.I just hanya perlu teruskan. Of course kena ada goals, ambition and yes, the actuarial DNA isn't going anywhere. I will still calculate.Forecast.Project. Probably create another spreadsheet. 😂 But perhaps the numbers should help me plan my life. Bukan untuk digeruni. There is a difference. Sometimes rezeki doesn't arrive in your bank account. Sometimes it arrives across the breakfast table... and gives you back your future.